On Retransformation
"feel like a brand new person . . ."
it’s 4 months and 3 days since February 3rd — my birthday and this year i turned 30 years old.
if you had met me last year and asked if turning 30 would be a pivotal year, i would’ve said “no”. to me, it’s another year or another day. personally i see life is a cycle that shouldn’t be dictated by time, meaning milestones and societal expectations. they’re all insignificant.
however as time has gone by, i’m finding myself shifting in ways that i’ve ever thought. almost like a lightbulb moment, i don’t feel the same way as i did about most things and i’m moving through my life with a sense of grace and empowerment that’s so new.
arguably i’ve been doing a lot of internal work in the past few years, so this moment is an accumulation of these intimate inquisitions — an active embodiment of breaking cycles and inner-personal exploration. there are few areas i’ve explored that have opened my eyes.
on letting go:
a few years ago, i lost someone i loved so deeply. he was a former partner who was my first real relationship where mutual nourishment and genuine love happened. this relationship and person played a big part in my character growth and the overall trajectory of my life. i firmly don’t know who i would be if i hadn’t met this person.
like most things in life, good things can come to end and nothing lasts forever. after a few years of partnership, we intentionally chose to end our relationship and consciously uncoupled our lives with such care + compassion for one another.
i was torn about the outcome for more than a year and i went through ALL the stages of grief. i was hung up on the idea that it should be easy for two people who authentically loved each other to be together. but that’s not true — love can’t hold a relationship together. there are so many other factors that play into any relationship’s longevity and ultimately we have to let go to let life play things out.
while i wish i could change certain circumstances, like i wish this person was still here. ultimately i have my memories with them and this key lesson that i carry into all my connections — you can’t hold onto to people in life; you simply have to experience them and appreciate the moments you have with them.
on principle:
i live by a personal code, dictated by my morals, ethics, and life experiences. this code lives seamlessly in all the things that i do. for example, i believe in equity and justice for all — my work focuses on this mission, i act in a way that upholds these beliefs, and much more.
the older i get, it’s harder for me to unsee the way people see themselves and how they actually act. by no means, am i saying we all need to be perfect. that’s not possible and we’re bound to make mistakes.
rather i want to shine a light on this: your character and integrity is more memorable than your personality. i know that’s hot take, but your personal code will help you weather the roughest storms in your life and keep you aligned to who you are.
i hate sounding like a self-help book, so i’ll stop there.
on joy:
in my younger years, i was so ambitious and doing the most. a lot of this was motivated by perfection and striving for things that i wanted, but not necessarily what i needed, aka the formula for BIG people-pleasing behaviors.
a couple failures, lessons, and new friends later, i refuse to be and do things that aren’t aligned to me. whether it be a job, lover, or friend, the right opportunities for me don’t require me to conform or be small. they embrace me for who i am, my strengths and flaws, and don’t rob my joy.
looking at my own life, i use to think i could change a situation by doing things differently. if i loved this person a little more or put more hours into a challenging work project, i’d get the recognition and reach these “goals”. however there were some tough lessons i learned towards prioritizing my personal joy.
people blind to you, will never see you. stop trying to prove your worth.
if it don’t align, baby get off the line. make sure people, places, and things are matching your needs for whatever season of your life. stay on your path.
sometimes great joy involves suffering. we need to learn from the pain in life, in order to understand what joy means and looks like to us.
was it easy to get here? no. but we all figure it out, some way and some how.
on loving:
being a certified lover girl who happens to be an Aquarius, i’ve dated a good number of people and been in a range of relationships (e.g. long-term committed partnership, summertime fling, crush, etc.). disclaimer: i don’t have advice on relationships, but i want to share a specific pov that should hold more weight in dating.
while my monumental, long-term relationships were pivotal for my life, my shorter lived relationships arguably were as impactful and fruitful. the latest one that (i can’t help but cry tears of joy when i think about him) happened this past April. i met this marvelous person (fellow Aquarius too!) and initially i didn’t expect much from it. i wasn’t in the mindset of meeting someone, more so wanted to get out into the dating game and date people who made me feel good on the inside.
wow, the universe really surprised me with this one! off the bat, i clicked with this person in a way that felt good for my soul in all the ways. it was great to date someone that cared, provided a foundation of mutuality and reciprocity, and moved in such a transparent way. we dated for a few months, then chose to part ways.
this person taught me how to love others openly without judgment and being myself is enough for the right people. love is messy — we experience jealousy, anxiety, and depression — and it felt nice to be in connection with someone who understand all those feelings are normal. most importantly there’s nothing too hard to talk about in life, especially if you’re being your authentic self. so please stop de-prioritizing shorter relationships and embrace them on the journey to learning how to love well.
ok, that’s all for today! going back to my shell and will come back to this little corner of the internet in the next few weeks.
—ten <3
a little reminder on it’s never too late to find your joy